Mom

*This is an honest look at the process of losing a parent.  Some things described might be hard to read.

Mom and her youngest granddaughter, Avery

I haven't blogged at all about my mom lately.  Mostly because I didn't really want to give what was happening a voice.  If I gave it a voice, then it was real.  But, at some point, sadly, everyone had to give truth to the realities of their life and the reality of mine is ... my mom is dying.  Those of you who know us well, know that my mom suffered a debilitating stroke 15 yrs ago next month.  Three weeks after Pete and I got married AND the day we moved to New York to start our lives together, my mom's health journey began.  I remember driving up to see my family that day.  Pete and I were driving different cars, all packed to the rim, so we could start our married life in a brand new state.  We were full of adventure and excitement when we walked into my parents' yellow house.  When we got there, we were approached by dad telling us that mom wasn't ok.  I walked inside to see my mom limping and her words were slurred.  She had been diagnosed with MS a few months before and was convinced that this was her first major MS episode.  We stuck around for about a half hour, gave our hugs and goodbye wishes, and as we walked out to the cars, I looked at my dad and said, "She needs to go the hospital."  I knew something more was happening.  Sure enough, when mom finally allowed my dad (yes, she was stubborn!) to take her, they immediately admitted her.  She was having a stroke.  The next time I talked to her, her voice was changed.  She grumbled her words.  She had lost all use of her right arm and she walked with a cane, because of the loss of mobility and feeling in her leg.

Fast forward 15 yrs later and we are watching my mom, who has declined over the years through a series of additional strokes and the onset of dementia, lose her life battle.  We were called by the nursing home, that she has been a resident in for 3 yrs now, to tell us that they thought it was time to discuss hospice.  Little did they know we had been discussing it ourselves.  In fact, on Mother's Day just a few weeks ago, we all talked about taking her off her meds and letting nature take its course.  Since March she had stopped eating and barely drank.  She was unable to use a straw, so spoonfuls of water were fed to her to keep her hydrated, which wasn't working well.  So, when they called, we knew what the decision would be.  Yes.  Put her in hospice and take her off all of her meds.  It was time to say goodbye.

I went back and forth about my need to go visit her.  I had made peace several years ago that she was ready to die.  What did I need to go and see her for, when I was already ok with that choice?  Well, I decided to go ahead and go.  I mean, I'm her daughter.  I need to do hard things sometimes, so I would do this.  My son Noah decided to come with me.  I was nervous, I'm not going to lie.  I'm not an overly emotional person.  My sister is a nurse and I've always said "Em's the one that will take care of you and I'll make you laugh while she does.".  That's my job.  To bring humor and lightness into the situation.  So, I prepared myself to make some jokes, make her smile, but also give her hugs and remind her that I love her.  What I walked in to today I was not prepared for.   She was sick.  Really sick.  In that first moment of seeing her, I realized how selfish I had been in my thinking.  Maybe I felt I didn't need to see her (which I absolutely did!), but SHE needed to see ME.  Laying in front of me, was my mom, frail and hurting.  In the 5 months since I last saw her, she's lost probably 60+ lbs.  She was panicked and wide-eyes and choking.  I don't share this to make it a voyeuristic display of her final days, but to share honestly what it's like for a daughter to witness the end stages of a dying parent.  She's hungry and thirsty and can't physically eat or drink.  I thought she was refusing because she wasn't interested.  She's refusing, because she can't.  Her body won't let her.  She chokes and gasps and coughs when she's given something to swallow.  Dad tried to give her small spoonfuls of "thick water".  She very deliberately would take each and swallow to the best of her ability.  She got two spoonfuls down and I celebrated that with her, but the third was coughed up.  She looked at us with pain in her eyes.  Dear God.  My mom's body is failing her.  It's falling apart right in front of my eyes and there is nothing I can do about it.

We left shortly after that, so they could come in and give her a bath.  We talked to the hospice nurse, who had been in her room this entire time, comforting her, soothing her.  Dad, Noah, and I went to the lobby.  I had made Noah sit in the hallway while we were in there with mom.  He wasn't as scared as he was sad, he said.  But, how can you not be scared when you're 11 and see your nana hurting so much?  While we were in the lobby, Em and her girls came.  We spent some time letting them throw coins in the fountain, letting them enjoy some lightheartedness, while we sat there in pain.  We decided after a little while to head back to check on mom.  The door was still closed, but Em, the nurse, walked right in.  She said she recognized the look of pain on mom's face as soon as she walked in.  She was much calmer now though and we complimented her on her bright pink fingernails.  Quite fabulous, mom! :-)  We laughed together and smiled.  We brought Noah and the girls in and she smiled with them.  But, she kept looking at Em with those wide-eyes.  She was trying to voice something that she couldn't speak.  Em looked at her and said, "Mom, are you in pain" and mom, who has been unable to really speak for quite a long time now, just nodded her head.  She ordered her pain meds and when she saw mom looking again at her, she saw what I saw, which was sadness.  Em said to her, "You're going to go home soon" and mom understood that, I think.  After we said goodbye again, we left and in my mind I just kept saying, "Please, Lord, let it be soon.".  Witnessing the final days of a parent that has been there for you when you've hurt your knees when you've fallen off your bike.  Who has made chocolate pudding and popcorn, so you could all watch "Wizard of Oz" on the tv during that once-a-year showing and make it super-special.  That person who would sew you and your doll matching outfits and make sure you had a brand new Easter Dress with matching bonnet....  When you see them struggling in a broken body, there really are no words.  You can't help them.  There is nothing you can physically do to make her well.  All you can do is call about your Savior and plead with them to take her HOME and restore her again.  I hope my mom understood my sister when she said, "Soon."

My brother is driving out from New Hampshire tomorrow night, also realizing his need to see her and for her to see him.  We hope that all she needs is one more moment with him, before she can lay back and say she's done.  My brother and I cried on the phone as we discussed my experiences with her today.  We know the end is coming and we both agree, heck, we ALL agree, that mom deserves to be released from this earthly prison.  So, the next few days will be hard ones, but all of us, in unison are crying out to God.... soon.

Catching Up - Brookfield Zoo

Last Wednesday I got to accompany Livie on her field trip!  I haven't been on a field trip for a couple years.  Last year all the field trips were cancelled due to the flood, so I was really excited to go with her. :-)

I had 4 kids and two of them were Livie and her bestie, Juliana.  These two are QUITE the pair!!

It was a pretty chilly day (temps in the 50s), so the animals were very active.  That was a lot of fun to see.  Usually, if we go in the summertime, they are so hot that they are laying around and not moving.  Definitely wasn't the case this time!  Look at this awesome leopard.  He was pacing, which sadly I heard shows the animal is in distress, but he kept walking by the fence, so we got a really close look him, which the kids were thrilled about.

Here Livie and Juliana are checking him out.

The lions were very active too.  I've NEVER seen the lions moving ever.  That day, both the male and female lion were roaming around.  Amazing to see how big they really are!

Here's my group of 4 checking out the bears.  The bears were playing with each other, which was so cute!  We watched them a while, but then headed off to see the sea animals.

The seals were really active too.  One was floating with his head out of the water right in front of us, so we got a good look at him.

When we went down below to see them underwater, they were swimming up right next to the glass.  We got such a close look, we saw that seals have toenails on their flippers.  Who knew?!

It was only 11am when we finished seeing those animals and the kids were already "starving", so we stopped and had lunch.  The geese were very interested in what they were eating.  This one walked right up next to Livie and stared at her while she ate.  Maybe she's related to Tater.....

Look at those cute kids!  They were having such a fun day!

We got to see the bison and, even though they were far away, it was still cool to watch them.

We went to the gift shop after that and then one of the boys got mad and started pouting that he didn't get to buy what he wanted.  Long story that involves no money, so you won't see him in any more pictures.  But, his pouting didn't stop the other ones from having a great time!

We got to see a mama goose and a daddy goose with their babies.  So fun!

We saw a peacock in all his glory, obviously showing off for the female just off to the right of him.

And, whatever these birds were, they too were squawking and making themselves heard.  They were SO loud too!

We got to see the orangutans and these are the babies.  Oh my gosh, so stinkin' cute!  The kids loved seeing these little guys!

Our last stop was the monkey house, before we had to walk back and catch the bus.  It was such a fun day and, despite the annoying child - yes, annoying! - we managed to have a wonderful day and I'm so glad I went and had fun with Livie and her friends.

Seriously, how could I not with these kiddos?! :-)

Catching Up - Choir Edition

On Tuesday we went to Madie and Noah's Spring Concert.  We didn't get to go to the Spring Concert last year, because the school was flooded at that time.  Hard to believe that was a year ago!  Anyway, we were really excited to see them.  It's their band and choir teachers last year.  They are retiring after nearly 60 years of teaching between them.  We'll be very sad to see them go.  They are both very nice ladies.

Livie sat next to her friend Melanie.  She's a sweet girl that I'm just getting to know.  I haven't volunteered in Livie's classroom for 2 yrs, so I'm behind in knowing her friends.  I hope to remedy that in the future.

This was Noah's first year performing in the concert.  He is in the beginning band, so they got to play a couple songs for us.

Here's a little sample of the beginning band...

He did a great job, especially for his first year!  I'm pretty excited that he likes it and even more excited that he's playing the trumpet, because that is what I played and his Papa D played.

You can see him in the back there in the grey/white shirt.  Love it!

Next Madie played with the regular band.  She plays the flute like her Aunt Jill and is in the front row.

She's an amazing flute player, if you ask me.  She will hear a song and can figure out the notes to play without even looking at sheet music for it.  It's awesome!

Here's a sampling of Madie's band...

Once the bands were done playing, the choirs came up to sing.  Madie is on the right at the bottom.  The songs were all really nice and they all did a great job!

The choir spread out towards the end of the concert and sang some Grease tunes.  My favorite!  I was totally singing along with them, as were several other moms my age. ;-)

Here is the choir, all spread out, singing one of their regular, non-Grease songs.

At the end, they honored Mrs. Olsen and Mrs. Terry and the kids all ran up and gave them a group hug.  It was really cool!

Here are the kids at the end of the concert with their teachers.  They will be missed, but they sure put on a great concert for their farewell! :-)

Catching Up - Dance Edition

I am, once again, behind in my blogging.  I'm sensing a theme this year.  Apparently this entire year will be me, catching up on blog posts!  We've had a LOT going on this week, today included, so I'm going to post a bit about what we've done, starting with some dance things we've had this week.

On Monday, Madie had to practice one of her routines on the OHS stage.  They said they need to check out the blocking.  There are 30 girls in her group, so I'm not surprised that they needed a little room to spread out to see how it would look on stage in a couple weeks.  These are not the outfits they will be wearing that day.  It was just a Tech Rehearsal for a few of the older girls' routines.  She's the one on the left with the blue shorts.  It was fun to see what she's doing for that one, because I haven't seen any of the routines the girls are doing this year yet.

Yesterday, Livie's group was one of the groups chosen to perform at a local nursing home.  We had a very busy morning and didn't have time to run home before heading to town to perform, so we went out to lunch after we did a few things, then went straight over to Pleasant View when we were done.  She got to wear her little denim skirt overalls and full makeup at the restaurant.  I'm surprised people weren't staring! ;-)

The place was PACKED!  There were so many parents and visitors there to see their kids perform, that there was barely any room to see OR let the older residents through to sit down.  We sent Madie and Noah out to the lobby to play quietly, so they wouldn't be squished by the crowd.  Livie was in the back room/hallway area with all the other performers.

The look on her face when she realized I was taking her picture was hilarious!  This was Miss Patty, who has been battling cancer (so it was really good to see her there!), taking up Livie's group to perform.

I had Pete take the pictures, because I was too short to really see over the crowd.

It's a tap number, but on the carpeting you couldn't tell that.  But it was still really cute to watch.

Afterwards, I got this cute picture of Livie and her best friend Juliana.  They are like two peas in a pod.  Livie is wild and outrageous and Juliana is this sweet little thing that thinks Livie's a riot!  They are so much fun together.  Soon I'll get around to posting about Livie's field trip to the zoo this week.  Juliana was in our group, so there are lots of pictures of the two of them together. :-)

Mother's Day Weekend

We had a jam-packed, busy, SUPER-FUN weekend!  It started on Saturday with all 3 of our kids in different things.  Madie left for dance at 7:45, Noah left for his sectional track meet at 8:30, then we took Livie to her last soccer game at 10:30.  

Livie has had the best time playing soccer.  Sadly, her coach's dad has been sick, so the last 4 weeks had their practices cancelled, as well as 2 games, so it wasn't as long of a season as we had hoped.  But, she had a really fun time at her game yesterday.  She was so hot and sweaty by the time we left, she said she was going to pass out!  She ran her heart out!!  We bought her a frostie to celebrate. :-)

After her game, we stopped and picked up Madie before heading over to Noah's meet.  The girls run first and with 8 teams competing, the boys didn't even start until 1pm when we got there.  He was really grumpy, because he was bored to death, laying around in the hot sun.  We brought chairs and a blanket and food for him (and us), then he was much happier.  It wasn't hot temperature-wise, but there was no wind and no clouds, so the sun really beat down on us.  It was a little tiring, I'm not gonna lie.  It made me totally understand why he was so grumpy when we got there.  He had been out in it for 4 HOURS before we got there.  

Here he is lining up with his relay team and all the other teams.  

He had a rough time running that day.  After all those hours in the sun, and later what we found out was a blood sugar of nearly 400!, he was pretty exhausted and feeling worn out.  Just glad he stuck with it.  Here he is running in the relay. :-)  He took up track to build up his endurance and I've been so proud of him for sticking with it.

When we got home around 4pm (yes, that late!), we were all exhausted and tired.  So, when Pete's parents came and just wanted to hang out in the house, we welcomed that!  It was nice to just relax in the house together, especially since the heat went away and the temps turned into absolute perfection!  We had the windows open and it was wonderful.  I bought a fire pit on Friday, when I was out shopping.  We had talked about getting one for a while, so I found one I really liked for like $80, so we decided to fire it up for the first time with Marc and Sue.

They had to leave before we roasted the marshmallows, but it was a lovely visit.  Really glad they were able to stop by for a few hours that evening.

After they left, we roasted marshmallows and sat in our chairs and enjoyed the beautiful evening we had.  It was a lot of fun and so relaxing after such a busy, busy day.

Today, after church, we went out to eat then headed to Farm and Fleet and got our stuff to make up our garden.  I saw on Pinterest this cute idea of using cow troughs to create a veggie garden.  We have a spot on the south side of our house that doesn't have any plants in it and I thought that would be a great way to celebrate Mother's Day!  So we bought 3 barrell-shaped troughs, a whole lot of dirt and some veggies/plants.

Livie decided to wear Madie's garden gloves.  They barely fit her, because they fit Madie when she was 2! ;-)  You can tell by her face that she's sad that they are too small for her now.

Noah, the ever-growing boy, was helping his dad carry the bags of dirt and handling the heavy labor, just like boys should do...if you ask me.

Pete made space in the rocks for our planters and they all filled them with dirt.  Livie was wearing her yeti coat and her Darth Vadar mask, because she saw a bee.  It was her bee protection.

We planted strawberries in one.

We planted tomatoes and cherry tomatoes in another.

Then planted jalapeno, habanero, and onions in the last one.

Pete trimmed back our raspberry bush - which I hope he didn't prune too much!!

And, our blueberry bush is looking great after just planting it last year.  I love the idea of having fresh fruits and veggies this year!!

Then Pete took this picture of me and the kids.  Tater blinked, which we thought was so cute.  I love these guys!!

Since Tater blinked, I took this other picture of him.  He was looking right at me, because Livie was holding marshmallows over my head. ;-)

This is what our planters look like.  Great, aren't they?!    Can't wait until they produce some yummy veggies for us.  It was a great way to end our Mother's Day weekend. :-)