Adjustments

Well, it's been one week tonight that our lives changed. And, as positive as I was feeling on Sat about how I was going to tackle this whole thing, I find myself at the bottom of the hill on this roller coaster we've been on. I'm the type of person that when I set my mind to do something, I go at it full force, fully expecting the results of my efforts to be positive ones. But with that drive comes a quick lows when I find that those efforts aren't paying off the way I thought they would. Criticism is much harder to take when you're in that mode and when it comes, it throws me. After having a completely successful day of school on Monday, I had a less than successful day on Tues. I met with the nurse on Tuesday morning and talked to her about Noah and had her come with me to do his finger prick test and his insulin shot. Both went off without a hitch. I told Noah when I left the cafeteria that I would be back the next day to watch HER give the shot that time, so he would see that I trust her and, hopefully, therefore HE should trust her. I got a call at 2pm from the nurse saying they gave Noah a finger prick test and it was terrible. Still not sure why they didn't call me first or see if I would be there for that, but can't go back in time now. He was very disrespectful, telling them that only their mommy could do it. He was disrupting the whole library and they had to remove him to take his sugars. She was very upset and I apologized and told her I don't condone that behavior, but that he's only ever had me do it and she informed me that that wasn't right. That I needed to have him trust them and I told them I was trying. They told me I needed to have other people give him the shots and I told them that he was only 5 days in and that I was the only one doing it, so I could help build that trust with him, because he was so upset after his hospital stay when everyone and anyone was giving him shot after shot after shot. I had worked very hard all weekend to prepare him for school. Had built up that trust with him, but apparently his trust in me was so strong that he didn't think anyone else could do it without me. I told her I wanted to be there for the shots, so he would feel more comfortable with the transition, which she said wasn't a good idea. That he needed to trust them. Basically, after 2 phone conversations I was in tears and trying to make her understand that he wasn't even a week in and needed patience and compassion, because this was still scary for him. It's now been 2 days since that conversation (without school because of our snow days) and I still can't seem to find my way out of this hole I fell in emotionally. Since that phone call I've been having Pete give a few shots in an effort to get him used to others. Noah's still scared with him and I think to myself if he's still scared of his dad doing it, how is going to trust the nurses who took 4 pricks to get a reading. He's now scared of them and the finger prick was the easiest of the 2 tests. I doubt my choices in only having me do it those first few days. I doubt my intentions and doubt my abilities to do what I've thought was best. I know that a lot of what she said wasn't meant to hurt, but again, like I said, when I'm driven to do something well and I'm told that my efforts haven't worked, then I sink faster maybe than most. Pete thinks I set my expectations too high. That I think that after 4 days everything is going to run smoothly and there's no way that is going to happen. He's probably right. But, how much do I comfort NOah and how much do I demand of him? He's 7, a week in, and I don't want him to be out of school while we get him more comfortable with shots. Who else can give him shots? It's me and Pete. That's it. I can't seem to move past the criticism and am trying so hard to talk with him, make some changes, so that things will be better at school. I don't want more phone calls where they tell me how awful he was. I don't want to be looked at as this mom who isn't doing what they need. But, at the same time, I don't want to push so hard that my son is hurt even more than he has been these past days. I want him to know I'm on his side and that I'm here for him. I'M the one who sat at his bedside all night long while he cried as he got shot after shot and blood draw after blood draw. That is still in my mind and it hurts me so much to think of seeing that fear in him again as he heads off to school, knowing he's scared of what's going to happen to him. She told me that he should be thankful that he's not as bad off as the other kids, which to me said, "Stop being selfish in your grief. Other kids are worse off than he is." and, though that wasn't meant to hurt, it did. A lot. It's like I was told to get over it and be thankful that he only has to have 7 shots a day instead of 15. It's been a lot to take for us in just one week. I'm still struggling and I guess using this forum to vent is the best way to do it. I think we always have doubts as to how we're doing as moms. But, the true test comes when you find yourself with a child that has a problem, whether it's diabetes or peer-pressure or a broken arm. Will they look back and see you did everything you could for them to make it better or will they look back and think you didn't stand up for them enough? I'm guessing we'll be back in school tomorrow and I've been thinking for days about how to handle the school situation. I want to talk to her again. Want to explain that we're trying. That's Noah's really trying. But, he's only 7 and it's only been 7 days since his diagnosis. We're doing all we can to get him comfortable with shots, but he's scared of new people. I think I've come to the decision that I'm going to override her opinion about me not being there and tell them that I insist on being there to help him learn to trust them, by being there for each and every shot. At least for a couple days until he feels ready. That, ultimately, this will work in their favor and he'll trust them faster if they see I trust them. I'm praying that with God's leading that we can work this out. I have the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom. I can be there and help the process. Let me. I know I'm not a nurse with education and experience behind me, but I am a mom. I am HIS mom and I know what works for him. So, I just ask for prayers as I try to work this out with the nurse. Prayers as I struggle with self-doubt and pressure to make it work quickly. Prayers that I find myself back on top of the hill and am able to tackle it all again with a smile and some humor.